Monday, September 28, 2009
The War Zone
There are days I feel I am living in a war zone. Words seem to attack me no matter where I am. I might be in my own little happy world and out of no where comes a verbal attack. I do not believe I deserve any of it. It has taken me years to realize that it is not about me but about what lives in my husbands heart and mind. He sees ugliness where there is none and attacks me for what he views. Even though I now know that almost all of the negative attacks are not my fault, they still take their toll on me. It seems to drain me of my energy and remove my peace of mind. I am left with a feeling of "who cares" and "this life is too hard". Sometimes I retreat to bed but I am trying to fight this reaction. There are finally things I want to accomplish for myself and I am trying to be able to go on no matter what attack befalls me. I often wonder what terrible thoughts and fears live in my husband's mind.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The Positive Side
Many people through the years have told me to leave my husband and they cannot understand why I am still with him. There are many times that I have questioned my sanity for staying but I strongly believe in commitment. I married for better or worst, I have certainly experienced the worse. I married in sickness and in health and ,if I expect someone to put up with my ADD and my depression, I need to put up with their mental sicknesses. I truly believe my husband has a personality disorder. He refuses to see anything that points to him having a problem but then that is part of his problem.
Because I was faced with all this drama in my life and because I did not get the storybook marriage I was hoping for, I was forced to grow. I know that I would never have grown ,to the degree I have, if I had not been faced with such obstacles. I believe that as long as our lives go smoothly we do not do the work needed to grow. Why invite the pain of growth if you don't have a reason? The reason we seek growth is to remove the pain we are now in. I prayed to God for years to make it all better and to change my husband. I wondered what terrible thing I might have done to deserve such unhappiness. One day the answer surfaced and I realized that maybe not everything has to do with me. There are two people who need to be willing to change in this marriage and I was the only one willing to work toward change. But then I was the only one openly in pain. Through prayer and therapy I have learned to focus on myself because I am the only one I can control. Whenever I change my focus to my husband and away from myself I get into my crazy mood. It is frustrating to try so hard to change what you have no control over. It is like trying to move a mountain by using a teaspoon. You will never live long enough to move that mountain and what real difference does it make if you move it. The true answer to happiness always lies within yourself.
A while back I was at a church function where we were learning about prayer and Psalms. We were encouraged to write something of our own and this is what I came up with. A lot of people there seemed to relate to what I wrote.
PSALM: 2/98
Lord, when I take the time to
dwell upon your splendor
I am bathed in your love.
I am filled with the warmth
of your tenderness.
You have led me down a winding
path
Allowing me to work my way
through any vines or logs
that block my journey
For in doing so you have enabled
me to grow in ways
I never dreamed possible.
Lord, had you allowed me to
live all my dreams
I world never have experienced
the comfort of your strength
Nor would I have learned the true
gift of patience or inner peace:
Gifts more valuable than GOLD.
@2/98
D M Q
Because I was faced with all this drama in my life and because I did not get the storybook marriage I was hoping for, I was forced to grow. I know that I would never have grown ,to the degree I have, if I had not been faced with such obstacles. I believe that as long as our lives go smoothly we do not do the work needed to grow. Why invite the pain of growth if you don't have a reason? The reason we seek growth is to remove the pain we are now in. I prayed to God for years to make it all better and to change my husband. I wondered what terrible thing I might have done to deserve such unhappiness. One day the answer surfaced and I realized that maybe not everything has to do with me. There are two people who need to be willing to change in this marriage and I was the only one willing to work toward change. But then I was the only one openly in pain. Through prayer and therapy I have learned to focus on myself because I am the only one I can control. Whenever I change my focus to my husband and away from myself I get into my crazy mood. It is frustrating to try so hard to change what you have no control over. It is like trying to move a mountain by using a teaspoon. You will never live long enough to move that mountain and what real difference does it make if you move it. The true answer to happiness always lies within yourself.
A while back I was at a church function where we were learning about prayer and Psalms. We were encouraged to write something of our own and this is what I came up with. A lot of people there seemed to relate to what I wrote.
PSALM: 2/98
Lord, when I take the time to
dwell upon your splendor
I am bathed in your love.
I am filled with the warmth
of your tenderness.
You have led me down a winding
path
Allowing me to work my way
through any vines or logs
that block my journey
For in doing so you have enabled
me to grow in ways
I never dreamed possible.
Lord, had you allowed me to
live all my dreams
I world never have experienced
the comfort of your strength
Nor would I have learned the true
gift of patience or inner peace:
Gifts more valuable than GOLD.
@2/98
D M Q
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Real Beginning
I was born in 1943 in Louisiana. My mother and dad had been married for 3 years. They had hoped that my mother would get pregnant soon so my dad would be safe from serving in the War but no luck. Mother turned up pregnant right after my dad joined the Air Force. So instead of keeping them together, I was the reason they had to be
apart.
The other soldiers considered my dad the old man because he was 27 years old. He became a pilot trainer and was stationed in Texas. The Air Force did not provide for wives back then so my mother, pregnant, would have to work and save money before she could go stay where my dad was. She had to go back to her family when it was time for me to be born. She stayed with her family, after my birth, for a short while and before the doctors approved her traveling with me, she borrowed money from her father and we were off to Texas. When she arrived in Texas she found it hard to find places to live because a lot of rentals did not accept children, and especially not babies. I was told that I slept in dresser drawers some of the time. We stayed with my dad throughout the War. We could not live on base because there were no accommodations and my dad was required to live on base. But at least my mom and dad were somewhat together.
I was 3 when dad got out of the Air Force and we returned to Louisiana. We spent a year living 1st with my dad's mother and then with mom's family. Not the best of situations considering my dad's mother was not a very loving, giving sort of person. My grandmother refused to allow my mother to run the fan when she was at work. This was just one of her rules. It soon became impossible for us to remain there so we were off to my mother's family. That was not perfect either. We finally moved in a house of our own. I was four when my brother was born. He wound up being the smart one of the family. I did not do well in school so not much was expected of me as far as school was considered. I suffered a lot of teacher turnover during my school years and my mother said that our school passed my class because of their guilt over what had happened to my class. I do not know if this is true or not but I do know that I had problems with reading and any subject that required reading. Being diagnosed with ADD when I was in my 50s has me thinking that a lot of my school problems were probably due to my ADD. My mother use to tell me that my brother had book sense and I had common sense. It took me years to realize that that did not mean I was stupid. I have learned through the years that what is most important is what we think of ourselves. We control who we are and who we can become.
apart.
The other soldiers considered my dad the old man because he was 27 years old. He became a pilot trainer and was stationed in Texas. The Air Force did not provide for wives back then so my mother, pregnant, would have to work and save money before she could go stay where my dad was. She had to go back to her family when it was time for me to be born. She stayed with her family, after my birth, for a short while and before the doctors approved her traveling with me, she borrowed money from her father and we were off to Texas. When she arrived in Texas she found it hard to find places to live because a lot of rentals did not accept children, and especially not babies. I was told that I slept in dresser drawers some of the time. We stayed with my dad throughout the War. We could not live on base because there were no accommodations and my dad was required to live on base. But at least my mom and dad were somewhat together.
I was 3 when dad got out of the Air Force and we returned to Louisiana. We spent a year living 1st with my dad's mother and then with mom's family. Not the best of situations considering my dad's mother was not a very loving, giving sort of person. My grandmother refused to allow my mother to run the fan when she was at work. This was just one of her rules. It soon became impossible for us to remain there so we were off to my mother's family. That was not perfect either. We finally moved in a house of our own. I was four when my brother was born. He wound up being the smart one of the family. I did not do well in school so not much was expected of me as far as school was considered. I suffered a lot of teacher turnover during my school years and my mother said that our school passed my class because of their guilt over what had happened to my class. I do not know if this is true or not but I do know that I had problems with reading and any subject that required reading. Being diagnosed with ADD when I was in my 50s has me thinking that a lot of my school problems were probably due to my ADD. My mother use to tell me that my brother had book sense and I had common sense. It took me years to realize that that did not mean I was stupid. I have learned through the years that what is most important is what we think of ourselves. We control who we are and who we can become.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
The Beginning
I came into this marriage like a baby deer ready for the slaughter. I trusted him totally. I thought that he was perfection and anything that went wrong was my fault. I came from an alcoholic home where I pretty much was on my own where problems were concerned. There were some childhood issues that left me feeling like a child in an adult world. I was afraid of life and the world. My husband was going to be that one person who loved and protected me. I was in for a terrible awaking. I spent the first couple of years telling my husband how wonderful he was to put up with me, what was I thinking. Obviously I was not thinking. I believed I needed to be totally honest with him no matter what it led to for me.
Through the years we had 4 children and now 8 grandchildren. I have been to many therapist during the last 30 to 35 years. I have grown a lot but I still struggle with the way my husband can suck the energy right out of me. There are times I still stand in wonder over what had just happened. How had I gone from feeling great to feeling like an emotional hurricane just ripped through me?
Example and what brought me to this blog. I was watching a program I had taped on TV. It was about noon. My husband came in and the first thing he said was "Are you going to do any housework today." I replied that, Yes I was going to do some housework but I was watching this program right now. He wanted to know how long it was. I told him. He said that he had just left the room for a few minutes and I had taken over the room and he wanted it back. He did not want that program on and I could see it any other time since it was taped. I said I wanted to finish it now and it would be over in 15 minutes. I told him to deal with it. His way of dealing with it was to turn the TV off. I turned it back on and he immediately turned it back off. I know him enough to know he would do this all day if I played the game. I felt so frustrated because he is such a bully with me. He controls everything. In the course of yelling at each other (I yell he always remain calm) I started to feel violent. I feel trapped and I hate when I feel this way. I feel cornered and I know what he is doing is totally unfair but what can I do to make him treat me fairly. Nothing!!!!! Therapy has taught me that all I can control is myself but dealing with the unfair treatment is another thing. I have turned it to God but I take it back some time. I have asked why is my life like this when I try hard to do what is right, but I know not everything has to do with me. This could be God trying to reach him. I do not know but what I do know is it is getting harder and harder to swallow his controlling abuse.
Through the years we had 4 children and now 8 grandchildren. I have been to many therapist during the last 30 to 35 years. I have grown a lot but I still struggle with the way my husband can suck the energy right out of me. There are times I still stand in wonder over what had just happened. How had I gone from feeling great to feeling like an emotional hurricane just ripped through me?
Example and what brought me to this blog. I was watching a program I had taped on TV. It was about noon. My husband came in and the first thing he said was "Are you going to do any housework today." I replied that, Yes I was going to do some housework but I was watching this program right now. He wanted to know how long it was. I told him. He said that he had just left the room for a few minutes and I had taken over the room and he wanted it back. He did not want that program on and I could see it any other time since it was taped. I said I wanted to finish it now and it would be over in 15 minutes. I told him to deal with it. His way of dealing with it was to turn the TV off. I turned it back on and he immediately turned it back off. I know him enough to know he would do this all day if I played the game. I felt so frustrated because he is such a bully with me. He controls everything. In the course of yelling at each other (I yell he always remain calm) I started to feel violent. I feel trapped and I hate when I feel this way. I feel cornered and I know what he is doing is totally unfair but what can I do to make him treat me fairly. Nothing!!!!! Therapy has taught me that all I can control is myself but dealing with the unfair treatment is another thing. I have turned it to God but I take it back some time. I have asked why is my life like this when I try hard to do what is right, but I know not everything has to do with me. This could be God trying to reach him. I do not know but what I do know is it is getting harder and harder to swallow his controlling abuse.
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