The Beginning

I came into this marriage like a baby deer ready for the slaughter. I trusted him totally. I thought that he was perfection and anything that went wrong was my fault. I came from an alcoholic home where I pretty much was on my own where problems were concerned. There were some childhood issues that left me feeling like a child in an adult world. I was afraid of life and the world. My husband was going to be that one person who loved and protected me. I was in for a terrible awaking. I spent the first couple of years telling my husband how wonderful he was to put up with me, what was I thinking. Obviously I was not thinking. I believed I needed to be totally honest with him no matter what it led to for me.

Through the years we had 4 children and now 8 grandchildren. I have been to many therapist during the last 30 to 35 years. I have grown a lot but I still struggle with the way my husband can suck the energy right out of me. There are times I still stand in wonder over what had just happened. How had I gone from feeling great to feeling like an emotional hurricane just ripped through me?

Example and what brought me to this blog. I was watching a program I had taped on TV. It was about noon. My husband came in and the first thing he said was "Are you going to do any housework today." I replied that, Yes I was going to do some housework but I was watching this program right now. He wanted to know how long it was. I told him. He said that he had just left the room for a few minutes and I had taken over the room and he wanted it back. He did not want that program on and I could see it any other time since it was taped. I said I wanted to finish it now and it would be over in 15 minutes. I told him to deal with it. His way of dealing with it was to turn the TV off. I turned it back on and he immediately turned it back off. I know him enough to know he would do this all day if I played the game. I felt so frustrated because he is such a bully with me. He controls everything. In the course of yelling at each other (I yell he always remain calm) I started to feel violent. I feel trapped and I hate when I feel this way. I feel cornered and I know what he is doing is totally unfair but what can I do to make him treat me fairly. Nothing!!!!! Therapy has taught me that all I can control is myself but dealing with the unfair treatment is another thing. I have turned it to God but I take it back some time. I have asked why is my life like this when I try hard to do what is right, but I know not everything has to do with me. This could be God trying to reach him. I do not know but what I do know is it is getting harder and harder to swallow his controlling abuse.