Many people through the years have told me to leave my husband and they cannot understand why I am still with him. There are many times that I have questioned my sanity for staying but I strongly believe in commitment. I married for better or worst, I have certainly experienced the worse. I married in sickness and in health and ,if I expect someone to put up with my ADD and my depression, I need to put up with their mental sicknesses. I truly believe my husband has a personality disorder. He refuses to see anything that points to him having a problem but then that is part of his problem.
Because I was faced with all this drama in my life and because I did not get the storybook marriage I was hoping for, I was forced to grow. I know that I would never have grown ,to the degree I have, if I had not been faced with such obstacles. I believe that as long as our lives go smoothly we do not do the work needed to grow. Why invite the pain of growth if you don't have a reason? The reason we seek growth is to remove the pain we are now in. I prayed to God for years to make it all better and to change my husband. I wondered what terrible thing I might have done to deserve such unhappiness. One day the answer surfaced and I realized that maybe not everything has to do with me. There are two people who need to be willing to change in this marriage and I was the only one willing to work toward change. But then I was the only one openly in pain. Through prayer and therapy I have learned to focus on myself because I am the only one I can control. Whenever I change my focus to my husband and away from myself I get into my crazy mood. It is frustrating to try so hard to change what you have no control over. It is like trying to move a mountain by using a teaspoon. You will never live long enough to move that mountain and what real difference does it make if you move it. The true answer to happiness always lies within yourself.
A while back I was at a church function where we were learning about prayer and Psalms. We were encouraged to write something of our own and this is what I came up with. A lot of people there seemed to relate to what I wrote.
PSALM: 2/98
Lord, when I take the time to
dwell upon your splendor
I am bathed in your love.
I am filled with the warmth
of your tenderness.
You have led me down a winding
path
Allowing me to work my way
through any vines or logs
that block my journey
For in doing so you have enabled
me to grow in ways
I never dreamed possible.
Lord, had you allowed me to
live all my dreams
I world never have experienced
the comfort of your strength
Nor would I have learned the true
gift of patience or inner peace:
Gifts more valuable than GOLD.
@2/98
D M Q
Because I was faced with all this drama in my life and because I did not get the storybook marriage I was hoping for, I was forced to grow. I know that I would never have grown ,to the degree I have, if I had not been faced with such obstacles. I believe that as long as our lives go smoothly we do not do the work needed to grow. Why invite the pain of growth if you don't have a reason? The reason we seek growth is to remove the pain we are now in. I prayed to God for years to make it all better and to change my husband. I wondered what terrible thing I might have done to deserve such unhappiness. One day the answer surfaced and I realized that maybe not everything has to do with me. There are two people who need to be willing to change in this marriage and I was the only one willing to work toward change. But then I was the only one openly in pain. Through prayer and therapy I have learned to focus on myself because I am the only one I can control. Whenever I change my focus to my husband and away from myself I get into my crazy mood. It is frustrating to try so hard to change what you have no control over. It is like trying to move a mountain by using a teaspoon. You will never live long enough to move that mountain and what real difference does it make if you move it. The true answer to happiness always lies within yourself.
A while back I was at a church function where we were learning about prayer and Psalms. We were encouraged to write something of our own and this is what I came up with. A lot of people there seemed to relate to what I wrote.
PSALM: 2/98
Lord, when I take the time to
dwell upon your splendor
I am bathed in your love.
I am filled with the warmth
of your tenderness.
You have led me down a winding
path
Allowing me to work my way
through any vines or logs
that block my journey
For in doing so you have enabled
me to grow in ways
I never dreamed possible.
Lord, had you allowed me to
live all my dreams
I world never have experienced
the comfort of your strength
Nor would I have learned the true
gift of patience or inner peace:
Gifts more valuable than GOLD.
@2/98
D M Q
